Finding contentment

I read this story the other day and thought I would share...

A fisherman lived on a tropical island.  He fished for his family and had plenty of time to play with his children, to enjoy the beauty around him and to be a good neighbor. 

A yacht arrived carrying a wealthy entrepreneur.  The fisherman took him out for a day’s fishing.  

As the day went on the entrepreneur looked at the beautiful island with its silver sand fringed with palm trees, the calm blue sea filled with a rainbow of darting fish and saw the opportunity for development and making lots of money.  

He was a magnanimous man so he thought he must help the fisherman by offering him the idea, so he said to the fisherman, “Why don’t you build a hotel and encourage tourists to come to the island...?”

“A hotel...?” the fisherman asked perplexed.

“Yes, a hotel,” the businessman said, “In fact you should build a holiday village with a sports complex so people can come and relax.  It could be so successful that you could build an air strip so you can offer the whole package to the tourists so you can cut out the middle man and make even greater profits.”

“Why should I do that...?” asked the fisherman.

“You would make lots of money and be rich of course...!” replied the entrepreneur.

“How long would it take...?” asked the fisherman

“I would think it would take ten years to be really successful,” answered the entrepreneur.

“What would I do with all that money...?” inquired the fisherman.

“You could go on exotic holidays to a beautiful island where you could fish, play with your children and have plenty of time to enjoy the beauty all around you” replied the entrepreneur.

“But that is exactly what I am doing now, isn’t it...?” asked the bewildered fisherman.  

The fisherman does not have a lot from the perspective of the businessman but he does not feel deprived because he meets each moment satisfied, able to see beauty and abundance of his life.  Where most people would find deprivation and boredom, the fisherman finds contentment.  In contrast the businessman’s longing for the “next big thing” leaves him with the illusion that there is always something better than what he is experiencing now.   

Our society makes it very difficult find contentment.  We are inundated with marketing ploys aimed at making us believe that their products are going to make us happier, wealthier, skinnier and more beautiful.  But the truth is, true freedom and contentment begins when we view all things as they are, and stop spending all of our energy trying to manipulate things to our preferences. Oscar Wilde said, “there are two kinds of unhappiness in the world.  One is not getting what you want; the other is getting what you want.”  

There is a Chinese proverb that, “people in the west are always getting ready to live but never living.”  This is strikingly true, we are constantly waiting for the perfect time to start living our lives.  As children, we can’t wait to grow up and then we can’t wait to graduate school and then live on our own and start our careers and then go on vacation and finally retire.  When we are constantly waiting for our lives to start we will never be content. We also tend to compare our lives to other people’s lives to see what is missing from our own.  When we do this we only move ourselves further away from fulfillment.  By expecting the world to meet our needs, expecting our jobs to meet our needs, and our partners to fulfill us, we just keep playing the “if only” game.  Looking outwards for fulfillment will only ever leave us feeling helpless and disappointed.   Incorporating gratitude practices into our daily lives centers us in the joy of our own lives and protects us from becoming stuck in the trivialities of life. Have you ever thought of starting a daily gratitude practice?  

The Power of Powerlessness

One of the biggest challenges to maintaining balance is feeling powerless. Yogiraj Achala said, “I excite myself with my incompetencies.” With this attitude feelings of powerlessness become opportunities to become competent rather than violent —The Yamas and the Niyamas, Deborah Adele

Feeling powerless can leave us feeling trapped and often activates the the fight or flight response.  It’s those times when we feel that we have run out of options and feel completely incompetent in our ability to handle the issue at hand the we feel powerless. Lately I have been struggling with chronic pain that not only saps my energy during activities of daily living but has also taken the joy out of one of my favorite activities, waking early and going for a long run before sunrise.   Although some would probably feel relieved to have an excuse to sleep in, it has been a daily struggle for me. Over the past year, I have continually felt that my body was failing me and I was left feeling frustrated and depressed. A few months ago I happened to start reading the above quoted book one day and read a Section on powerlessness which suggests shifting your thinking towards practicing gratitude, trust in the moment and thinking of others. These practices are all geared towards creating balance in our lives. I was so focused on trying to
get back to  comfort zone, I was missing out on opportunities to learn something new. So the next time you find yourself angry, frustrated, victimized etc by your own powerlessness ask yourself what do I need to do right now to feel competent in handling this situation?  

ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

I’m so excited to announce that I am officially a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor! This is a movement that Is transforming how we see ourselves and finally challenges all the misleading dieting myths that are constantly fed to us by the billion $ dieting industry. As a therapist that specializes in trauma, I see how so many people who struggle to process and understand their traumatic events often turn to food to numb their emotions only to feel even more out of control. Intuitive eating is all about re-learning to listen and trust your body again! It’s amazing how much time, money, and energy we spend on diets and fads. I love the purpose of IE and would love to show you how it can empower you to trust your body again!

Trauma is anything that overwhelms your brain's ability to cope...

Francine Shapiro, the founder of Eye Movement Desensitization and reprocessing therapy (EMDR) identified BIG T traumas and little t traumas. Any event that is stuck in your mind and keeping you from truly living fully is a considered traumatic, at least in my book. There are many myths about trauma, but science is eradicating these misnomers. Even the new version of the DSM 5 has dramatically changed the criteria for PTSD. So please don’t wait to seek help or dismiss something  because “it doesn’t seem like a big deal.” It is a big deal because it is impacting your life!   Call me to find out more about scientifically validated treatment options that can help you to regain control over your life.

Reducing Chronic Pain Naturally...

Dr. Albert Schweitzer, a French physician stated in 1931 that, “Pain is a more terrible lord of mankind than even death itself.” 

According to the National Institutes of Health (NIH), pain affects more Americans than diabetes, heart disease and cancer combined.  It have been estimated that 76.2 million people, that is one in every four Americans have suffered from pain that lasts longer than 24 hours.  The NIH reported that in 1991, 76 million prescriptions for opioids were prescribed by doctors.  By 2011, this number nearly tripled to 219 million. 

Coping with chronic pain can leave you feeling overwhelmed and hopeless.  It can feel like it doesn’t matter what you try, nothing helps and everything seems to fail.  Ignoring it can be impossible, moving hurts, and doing nothing makes it worse.  Pain is defined “as an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual and potential tissue damage.”  Essentially, pain is a combination of the physical sensations we feel, the emotions we feel, and the meaning that the pain has for us.  The pain we feel is not all that hurts, our minds can start to suffer as well because we instinctively start looking for ways to escape, we begin focusing on “what if it doesn’t go away?” or “what if it gets worse?” We instinctively want to fight back against pain, it is our body’s natural response, but what if it was more effective to recognize and allow yourself to explore the sensations of the pain that rise and fall in your body?  This idea may seem unpleasant but clinical trials on Mindfulness meditation have been shown to reduce chronic pain by 57 percent and regular practice can reduce it by over 90 percent.  Researchers at Wake Forest Baptist found evidence that mindfulness meditation reduces pain more effectively than placebos by activating two specific brain regions associated with self-control and deactivating the thalamus. The November 2015 study in the Journal of Neuroscience also revealed that mindfulness meditation reduced pain by activating the Orbitofrontal cortex and anterior cingulate cortex.  These are the areas associated with the self-control of pain.  Meditation also deactivated the thalamus, which is the gateway to determine which sensory information is allowed to reach higher brain centers.  Meditation helps to turn down the level of pain.  Below is a Body scan meditation from Stillmind.com that you can start to incorporate into your daily routine.   It will be really difficult at first to not allow your mind to wander but try not to judge, just “recognize and allow” your thoughts to come and go as you return back to focusing on your breath.   

Body Scan Mindfulness Exercise

1. Sit in a chair as for the breath awareness or lie down, making yourself comfortable, lying on your back on a mat or rug on the floor or on your bed. Choose a place where you will be warm and undisturbed. Allow your eyes to close gently.

2. Take a few moments to get in touch with the movement of your breath and the sensations in the body When you are ready, bring your awareness to the physical sensations in your body, especially to the sensations of touch or pressure, where your body makes contact with the chair or bed. On each outbreath, allow yourself to let go, to sink a little deeper into the chair or bed.

3. Remind yourself of the intention of this practice. Its aim is not to feel any different, relaxed, or calm; this may happen or it may not. Instead, the intention of the practice is, as best you can, to bring awareness to any sensations you detect, as you focus your attention on each part of the body in turn.

4. Now bring your awareness to the physical sensations in the lower abdomen, becoming aware of the changing patterns of sensations in the abdominal wall as you breathe in, and as you breathe out. Take a few minutes to feel the sensations as you breathe in and as you breathe out.

5. Having connected with the sensations in the abdomen, bring the focus or "spotlight" of your awareness down the left leg, into the left foot, and out to the toes of the left foot. Focus on each of the toes of the left foot in turn, bringing a gentle curiosity to investigate the quality of the sensations you find, perhaps noticing the sense of contact between the toes, a sense of tingling, warmth, or no particular sensation.

6. When you are ready, on an inbreath, feel or imagine the breath entering the lungs, and then passing down into the abdomen, into the left leg, the left foot, and out to the toes of the left foot. Then, on the outbreath, feel or imagine the breath coming all the way back up, out of the foot, into the leg, up through the abdomen, chest, and out through the nose. As best you can, continue this for a few breaths, breathing down into the toes, and back out from the toes. It may be difficult to get the hang of this just practice this "breathing into" as best you can, approaching it playfully.

7. Now, when you are ready, on an outbreath, let go of awareness of the toes, and bring your awareness to the sensations on the bottom of your left foot—bringing a gentle, investigative awareness to the sole of the foot, the instep, the heel (e.g., noticing the sensations where the heel makes contact with the mat or bed). Experiment with "breathing with" the sensations—being aware of the breath in the background, as, in the foreground, you explore the sensations of the lower foot.

8. Now allow the awareness to expand into the rest of the foot—to the ankle, the top of the foot, and right into the bones and joints. Then, taking a slightly deeper breath, directing it down into the whole of the left foot, and, as the breath lets go on the outbreath, let go of the left foot completely, allowing the focus of awareness to move into the lower left leg—the calf, shin, knee, and so on, in turn.

9. Continue to bring awareness, and a gentle curiosity, to the physical sensations in each part of the rest of the body in turn - to the upper left leg, the right toes, right foot, right leg, pelvic area, back, abdomen, chest, fingers, hands, arms, shoulders, neck, head, and face. In each area, as best you can, bring the same detailed level of awareness and gentle curiosity to the bodily sensations present. As you leave each major area, "breathe in" to it on the in-breath, and let go of that region on the outbreath.

10. When you become aware of tension, or of other intense sensations in a particular part of the body, you can "breathe in" to them—using the in-breath gently to bring awareness right into the sensations, and, as best you can, have a sense of their letting go, or releasing, on the outbreath.

11. The mind will inevitably wander away from the breath and the body from time to time. That is entirely normal. It is what minds do. When you notice it, gently acknowledge it, noticing where the mind has gone off to, and then gently return your attention to the part of the body you intended to focus on.

12. After you have "scanned" the whole body in this way, spend a few minutes being aware of a sense of the body as a whole, and of the breath flowing freely in and out of the body.

13. If you find yourself falling asleep, you might find it helpful to prop your head up with a pillow, open your eyes, or do the practice sitting up rather than lying down.

14. You can adjust the time spent in this practice by using larger chunks of your body to become aware of or spending a shorter or longer time with each part.

The Many Benefits of Yoga on Mental and Emotional Health

I have always preached about the benefits of meditation and yoga to my clients, yet when it came to myself, I often felt that it was “too boring” or “too slow” or “I just don’t have enough time.” Until recently, I had only taken a few classes here and there, but never really connected with the practice.   However, after my most recent running injury sidelined me for a couple months, I realized that I needed to really start taking better care of myself if I wanted to continue running into my later years.    I have long known about the benefits of yoga for runners, so I decided to give it another try and to go into the studio with an open mind.  What I discovered was that it may be helping to improve my strength and flexibility but the emotional benefits are by far the greatest transformation.  If you walk into any yoga studio, you will see a very diverse group of people.  This is something that struck me immediately, as there were people from all ages, genders, ethnicities, and skill levels.  This was reassuring to me, as a new “yogi” because it felt like a non-judgmental environment that was not going to be focused on my lack of skill or poor balance!  I know that many people stay away from the gym and other fitness classes out of fear of “not fitting in” so I think that the welcoming culture contributed to the experience.

So what is Yoga?  Yoga is a mind and body practice with historical origins.  There are various styles of yoga but they all combine physical postures, breathing techniques, meditation, and relaxation.  As a mental health practitioner, one of my goals is to help people learn to quiet their minds to achieve calmness and create a sense of well-being.  Incorporating a regular Yoga and meditation practice, in conjunction with psychotherapy is emotionally and mentally beneficial.  Yoga moves us from the sympathetic nervous system to the parasympathetic nervous system, (or from flight or fight to rest and digest.)  You will have less anxiety and feel more relaxed.  As soon as you start to slow your breathing, you slow down your nervous system.  Yoga also improves your sense of self.  When you quiet the mind, you start to get to know yourself on a different level and are forced to confront aspects or as Carl Jung put it, “the shadow” qualities that we keep hidden.  These are the parts of ourselves that we try to hide and deny, the dark aspects that we believe are unacceptable to our family, friends, and more importantly, ourselves.  When you turn inward, and really get to know yourself, you will start to notice that you are building self-trust, self-compassion and more courage because you will no longer be trying to hide or prove yourself any longer. You’re relationship with yourself will improve and you will be more confident and centered.  It also helps to improve your relationships with friends and family.  When you are more centered and peaceful, you are the same way with your friends, family, co-workers, and significant others.  Through the practice of self- love and compassion you will see those in your life through the same lens and be less reactive.   

Setting Goals for the New Year

The other day someone asked me about my goals for the New Year to which I replied “to run the Chicago Marathon in October and BQ” but then remembered my recent setback that has put me on the sidelines for the unforeseeable future.  So… I am forcing myself to step outside my comfort zone and try new things (gasp!) 

Anyways, I thought about the origins of New Year’s Resolutions and found the following from the always reliable source Wikipedia!   

• Babylonians made promises to their gods at the start of each year that they would return borrowed objects and pay their debts.

• The Romans began each year by making promises to the god Janus, for whom the month of January is named.

• At watch night services, many Christians prepare for the year ahead by praying and making these resolutions.

• This tradition has many other religious parallels. During Judaism's New Year, Rosh Hashanah, through the High Holidays and culminating in Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement), one is to reflect upon one's wrongdoings over the year and both seek and offer forgiveness. People can act similarly during the Christian liturgical season of Lent, although the motive behind this holiday is more of sacrifice than of responsibility. In fact, the practice of New Year's resolutions came, in part, from the Lenten sacrifices. The concept, regardless of creed, is to reflect upon self-improvement annually.

• At the end of the Great Depression, about a quarter of American adults formed New Year's resolutions. At the start of the 21st century, about 40% did

I also found out that the most common resolutions are donating to the poor more often, becoming more assertive, or to become more environmentally responsible.  Which are all very admirable! However, our success rates appear to not be so great.  A 2007 study by Richard Wiseman from the University of Bristol involving 3,000 people showed that 88% of those who set New Year resolutions fail, despite the fact that 52% of the study's participants were confident of success at the beginning.  Common reasons for failing include 35 percent setting unrealistic goals, 33 percent didn’t keep track of their progress and 23 percent FORGOT!  About one in 10 said they made too many resolutions. 

So what can we do to help increase our chances of achieving our goals?!?  Well, some believe in the power of writing down our goals, actually taking the time to write them down.  Only about 2 percent of Americans have written goals and of those less than 1 percent revisit their goals on a regular basis.  Research shows that people that take the time to write down and revisit their goals will achieve significantly more than those who don’t write them down.  Researchers also point out that people make consistent progress toward meaningful goals are happier.

Here are a few simple steps towards creating goals to set you on the path of success! 

1.  Create a vision

Dream Big!  This is the fun part, if you don’t know what you want, you don’t know what you need to achieve it.  Take fifteen minutes and document your vision. Take note of the details. What does your day look like? Where are you living? Try to incorporate all senses in your vision to make it most effective. What do you see, hear, smell, taste and feel throughout this ideal day?

1. Make it Measurable

Now take your vision and break it down into concrete, realistic goals.  Choose an achievable timeframe and a list of details that help you recognize when you are making progress. 

1. Set Benchmarks

Goals are just a bunch of small achievements.  Break your goals into small steps and assign realistic time each.  Continue to break big steps into smaller and smaller steps until goals seem more manageable.  Benchmarks are a great way to keep you on track. 

1. Celebrate your Success

This is the most important part of goal-setting.  How you reward yourself when hitting your benchmarks along the way?  How will you celebrate once you have reached your goal?  Why we want something can help motivate and keep us on the right path and working toward our goal, even when things don’t go as planned. 

Are you making any New Year’s Resolutions for 2016?

Seven ways of letting go

Everyone has had thoughts that have stressed them out, rattled around and around in their brain and just wouldn’t go away.  The problem with these thoughts is they get stuck in our heads and destroy our focus, creativity, and productivity.  One nagging thought can throw us off an hour, day, or even a week.  We realize that we just need to “let it go” but it isn’t always so simple. 

“Letting go” doesn’t mean ignoring an issue. It means realizing that there is nothing you can do about it.  Instead of allowing it to consume your mind, you put it aside until you are better able to deal with it.  Obviously, your best bet is to just deal with what’s bothering you. Do the project, have the conversation, go deal with the overdue bill, etc. But if you can’t address the issue right away, you are much better off letting it go than letting it stew and fester in your mind.

Here are 7 ways to let go when something is bothering you:

Breathe

It is amazing what a few simple deep breathes can do for you. When you find stress rising, close your eyes and breath in as deeply as you can. Fill yourself with air from the bottom of your belly to the top of your chest, hold the air in for a few seconds, and then let it out. Repeating several time. For added impact, imagine that with each breath out your are letting your troubles and negative energy go, imagine them floating away on fall leaves or playing out on a movie screen.

This is the simplest and fastest way to let go and refocus your mind.

Empty Your Mind

When something is bothering us, we forget that we are the ones in charge of our thoughts.  One of the best things you can do to let go of your troubles is to calm your mind by emptying it of thoughts.

This is very much like meditation, where our goal is to become skillful at removing all thoughts from our mind and be still. When you empty your mind, you remove all the negative thoughts and can exert a certain amount of control over what you let back in.  This is not easy and must be practiced often.  It is best to practice and develop this skills when you are not stressed, that way it will be easier to do when you start having thoughts.   

Visualize

There are many great visualization techniques to help you let go of your troubles. Here are a few:

– Imagine the thing that is bothering you, and then visualize placing it in a balloon and watching it float away
– In your head, write down the issue and then imagine yourself crumpling it up and throwing it away
– Picture the thing that is bothering you, then change the color in your mind to black and white. Then shrink it down so it is very small. Then imagine it very far away.

Some of these ideas may sound odd, but they can do wonders for helping you to put troubling thoughts aside.

Write

Writing is a powerful way of getting thoughts out of your head. The simplest way to do this is to take out some paper and let whatever is in your head flow out. Don’t edit, don’t beat yourself up for what you are feeling, and don’t try to be correct. Just write.

Another method is to write an in-depth letter to the person or situation that is troubling you. You never have to send the letter! In fact, you probably shouldn’t; it will just add another layer of stress to your mind. Instead, put it in a drawer or throw it away. The act of writing your thoughts will be cathartic in and of itself.

Distract Yourself

Not the best solution, but let’s face it: most of our stress will diminish with a little time and distance. Sometimes you just need to get your mind off of things for a little while. Go out with friends, exercise, find a hobby. The key is that you do something that truly engages your mind.

Ritualize

This is a way of physically “letting go” of the issues that is bugging you.  A ritual is a consistent procedure that you regularly follow.  By using your ritual practice of letting go, you can train your mind to automatically let things go, once you start the ritual.  Examples of this are writing down something that is bothering you and burning it in a fireplace, or take a picture that presents your thought and throw it away in a public garbage can a few blocks away. 

The act of doing something physical represent letting something go is very powerful. Using rituals may sound strange, but try it and see how it goes!

Use Logic

This is probably the least effective method, but worth a shot, especially if you are a logical person. Keep explaining to yourself all the logical reasons why you should stop worrying. We are very emotional, by nature but doing a pro/con list or challenging your thoughts can help us view a situation more rationally.  Troubling thoughts are dangerous, sneaky things that can take hold, grow, into something completely distorted from reality. 

The next time you have a thought that has taken hold, practice one or more of these steps.  Most importantly remember “you must be present to win.” 

Between the stimulus and the response, there is a space and in that space is your power and your freedom

                -Viktor Frankl

Just Breathe!

One of the things we may take for granted is the simple act of breathing.  Sure, we all know that we cannot live without breathing, it is after all something we engage in unconsciously and automatically. Unfortunately, not all breathes are the same. 

When we come into the world our breath is full and free.  If you have ever seen a baby sleeping, you may notice the belly rhythmically rising and falling.  This is because the baby is living in the present moment, there is no past to think about or future to plan.  However, as we grow older, this natural process begins to break down.  We become fearful of experiencing negative emotions such as stress and criticism, and as a result, we tighten our muscles and constrict our breathing.  We are no longer living in the moment and our breath becomes short and shallow.  Taking fewer breaths per minute (approximately 10 per minute) helps to engage the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps the body relax when it has been injured.  Studies have shown that slow breathing increases the alpha waves in the brain, calming mid-range waves that foster a relaxed yet alert state of mind.

Focusing on breathing fully from your belly and then allowing your chest to fill while slowly exhaling has been shown to improve blood pressure, promote feelings of calm while increasing awareness and concentration.   Try this simple exercise a few times a day and you will feel a significant difference.

1. Inhale deeply
2. Exhale with a short burst to activate your diaphragm
3. Exhale with a long, slow finish to empty your lungs.
4. Inhale, filling your lungs from the bottom to the top.
5. Hold for a moment to allow oxygen to saturate the cells.
6. Exhale slowly and completely.
7. Repeat.

Below is a video demonstrating diaphragmatic breathing or click the source link for an audio version.